2 am

This is my beautiful, sleeping machine.

She has been a champion sleeper since the day she was born. (Thanks, Chris.) She started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old. She takes 4 naps a day. Often, I just lay her in bed and she falls asleep without crying. But she is still a baby and has off nights--won't fall asleep, wakes up every few hours, up before the sun. It only happens once in a blue moon.

Last night was one of those nights.

It started with bath time, I think. Or the squash she had earlier. Or the skipped evening nap. Who knows. This is where the mind games start for me, though. Trying to figure out where we went wrong.

Everything was going great. She ate her bedtime meal, fell asleep, and I gently placed her in her crib. Party time! I head back to my room to show Chris this ridiculous shirt I found in my closet. We laugh and discuss whether I should keep it or not, when WAAHHH. Uh oh. Baby is awake. No biggie, this happens. I pick her up and rock her back to sleep in less than 5 minutes. As I gently lay her back in bed, she startles again and this time, she looks up at me with her big, brown eyes looking so sad. I still didn't think much of it and decided to let Chris rock her to sleep this time. It usually takes about 5 minutes and will give me a chance to finish getting ready for bed.

I was wrong.

15 minutes later, she is screaming while Chris frantically tries to calm her. Since Chris has work in the morning, I offer to take her and let him sleep. Caroline and I settle into our nighttime rocking chair routine of singing UT's alma mater and patting her bum. But it isn't working. I'm a cool, collected mom so I don't panic. We try different positions, different songs, different blankets. It isn't working. 30 minutes goes by and she is still screaming. I check her diaper, take her temperature, try feeding her again. I'm now boarding the train to Crazy Town.

So I start praying. "Please, Jesus. Let her sleep." Over and over. There's something about a baby's cry in the middle of the night when you're exhausted and your back hurts because you have to sit at a funny angle in the rocking chair so your little short legs can reach the ground that sends you right over the border into Crazy Town.

I seriously start contemplating calling the pediatrician to ask the following questions:
"Is my baby dry drowning?"
"Can squash send your baby into anaphylactic shock with no symptoms?"
"My baby has burped really big a few times and has a booger. Should we go to the emergency room?"

Hello, Crazy Town! I'm your new mayor.

I was very fortunate that I did not experience postpartum depression after Caroline's birth. However, if postpartum anxiety is a thing, I definitely had it. It only lasted a few weeks, but it was scary. I constantly thought Caroline was dying. She made a lot of funny, snoring noises after she was born, and I would sit by her cradle all night to make sure she was breathing. I later learned this was normal, but you wouldn't have been able to convince me of this in the moment. The only thing that helped me sleep at all those first few weeks was Jesus. I don't say that as a joke or to Jesus juke anyone. The ONLY way I could let Caroline out of my sight and go to sleep was to pray that Jesus would sleep in the cradle with her and breathe every breath with her. Then I had to believe that He actually did it. And He did.

It was total surrender that I cannot be responsible for this child on my own. I cannot meet any of her needs on my own. Only Jesus can keep her alive. The memories of how Jesus saved my sanity in those early days came flooding back right as the 2 am breakdown loomed.

Just being there for Caroline and letting Jesus do the rest takes a lot of pressure off.

After 4 hours of on-and-off crying, Caroline finally started to settle. I still don't know why she was upset last night, but I held her until she felt better. Those big, brown eyes eventually closed and we got a little sleep. She uncharacteristically woke again at 5:15, but after a quick meal, she easily fell back asleep. Granted- we were sleeping together in the guest bedroom at this point, but anything to make her feel better.

I'm sure this won't be the last time I'm up all night with a baby. We may do it all over tonight. 2 am is a lonely time in a dark room. But it's comforting to know I'm not alone.

And only a little crazy. Right? Other moms have visited Crazy Town at 2 am, too? Just me then? Okay.

Unemployed

First things first. How adorable is this side-by-side? My twins.

Today is my first real day of being a stay-at-home mom. I've been home with Caroline since she was born in March, but I was on maternity leave and then just a regular teacher on summer break. But today, my friends and coworkers went back to school, and I did not. I still woke up at 6:00 am, but instead of getting ready for work, I fed my baby, got peed on, played pat-a-cake, and snuggled. The mom life.

Today, Miss Baby turns 5 months old! Life has changed so much in 5 months. Chris and I have switched roles in our family. Chris is now the sole provider, while I take care of the home. Caroline is settling into our family as if she's always been here. She's so happy. All. The. Time. Seriously, she's never sad. When she's tired, she squeals to keep herself awake. At nap time, we just lay her in her crib, and she goes to sleep. When she wakes up, she laughs and coos until we come get her. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I thank God every day for this precious gift. She's a glimpse of Heaven.

We do have a small prayer request for her. She's still a little tiny. Her doctor diagnosed her with reflux and put her on a special medicine (made by an apothecary...ye olde Prilosec). He also encouraged us to start solid foods to help get calories in her. She's gaining some weight, but not nearly as fast as she should. When we met her new pediatrician in Mt. Juliet, he also discovered she still has a slight heart murmur. She had this when she was born, but the doctor on call in the hospital said it had disappeared when we were discharged at 2 days old. Her current doctor assured me that a very faint heart murmur is nothing to worry too much about, but since she also presents with slow weight gain, it could signify a potential problem. Of course, it's also possible that she's perfectly fine and has just inherited my tiny 5'0" genes. But we still pray that she will continue to grow big and strong and stay her happy, healthy self.

Chris and I are adjusting to life in Mt. Juliet. We absolutely love it. It has everything we need with no traffic! We are getting involved with a local church. We are beginning to meet people and can't wait to build new relationships. I think moving has been more of an adjustment for me than for Chris. Staying home with Caroline is a dream come true, but it can be very lonely when you're in a new town and limited by a small baby. If anyone has any ideas for mommy-baby activities, send them my way!

Some more baby blooper pictures, because they are quickly becoming my favorites:

And a classic. Mid-sneeze:

So Many Things

Well I haven't blogged in a while, but I'm not sorry. I have a baby.

Actually, we have been so busy these past few months. I have joked that I feel busier and more tired than I did when I was working full time. A recap:

March

• I had a baby.

April

• Traveled to my parents' lake house with Caroline for the first time. She did so great on her first overnight trip. We learned she does not like when Mommy eats greasy food.

• Chris took the Physical Therapy Licensure Exam and ROCKED it. 

May

• Chris graduated and officially became Dr. O'Brien!

• We traveled to Atlanta for Matt and Karen's wedding!

• I went back to work for the last week of school.

• We went back to the lake house, and I caught a fish as big as Caroline.

June

• We went to Knoxville. <3

• We celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary.

• Caroline traveled to Mississippi for the first time. Sarah and I made this:

• We moved to a new house in Mount Juliet.

[no picture. sorry, stalkers.]

• Chris started his first job as Dr. O'Brien, PT, DPT.

July

• We traveled to Tupelo for Matt and Stephanie's wedding.

• We went to Lake Week[end] with Chris' extended family. I somehow managed to take no pictures, so here is an adorable picture of Caroline from today:

That should bring us up-to-date. Life is so fun right now. Except that the IRS is still after us. There have got to be richer, more interesting people actually breaking the law. WHHYYY. Sorry, we really are enjoying life. Chris loves his job. It's so refreshing to have him come home feeling energized. I'm adjusting to the stay-at-home mom life. It's a lot busier than I thought. 

Caroline is a joy. Seriously. I miss her when she takes naps and look at pictures of her when she goes to bed. She can roll across a room, spin 360 degrees on her tummy, and "talk" all day. She takes 3-4 naps a day and sleeps 9-10 hours at night. She's still breastfeeding. 

Two weeks ago, we went to the doctor for her 4 month appointment. She had not gained as much weight as she should have. The doctor thinks it could be genetic-related, since her mother is part ginger pygmy, or the fact that for a while, our house looked like that Family Guy episode where they all take ipecac.

She's on medicine for reflux now and has started some solid foods to see if that helps her gain weight. If not, she will be officially diagnosed as a ginger pygmy, too. 

I believe that's everything going on with us. I am feeling this intense need to hang posters on walls and label desks. It's very weird to not be going back to school this fall, but I'm looking forward to spending time with my baby girl and actually trying the 8,234 things I've pinned on Pinterest. So if any of my teacher friends need help in their classrooms, holla at your girl. 

How a Baby Taught Me I Am Beautiful

I have always struggled with self-confidence and body image issues. I am quick to point out all my flaws--my pasty skin, crooked toes, crooked teeth, just barely tall enough to ride roller coasters..to name a few. In fact, Chris and I's first big "fight" was because he was lovingly telling me short jokes, and I was super offended. That fight had nothing to do with Chris and everything to do with my ever-plummeting self-confidence. I realize that most things I (and you, for that matter) notice in a mirror are literally unnoticeable to everyone else. But it doesn't stop me from noticing...and caring...and whining.

Then I had a baby. Childbirth is THE most disgusting thing in the world. I saw some pretty ugly things on March 4, 2014. Unfortunately, Chris saw some even uglier things. Whoops. But then we saw the most beautiful thing we've ever seen.

1 minute after birth

She changed everything.

She was so gorgeous. She had perfect skin--so tan and even. Her eyes were deep blue (though they are dark hazel now), and her eyelashes would make any grown woman jealous. She had soft, auburn hair. She was perfect in every way.

And I realized that this beautiful creature had come from me.

God had used parts of me to make a beautiful new creation.

I am beautiful. I always was.

Nothing about my body is quite the same it used to be. I probably won't be wearing a bikini this summer. But it's okay because my body did a beautiful thing. It housed and nourished a little girl, and now it feeds her perfect nutrition. How beautiful.

But this is not a blog post about how a woman's body changes after childbirth. It's about how a baby can make you realize that none of those little imperfections matter. In fact, they were never really imperfections in the first place.

I see my daughter's shiny red hair and know that she wouldn't have that if I wasn't the pasty ginger I am.

I tickle my daughter's beautiful feet and tiny baby toes and realize they are my own. They don't look so ugly anymore.

I hold my daughter's little hand and recognize those little fingers. They are soft and delicate, instead of short and stubby.

All her smirks, raised eye brows, open-mouth smiles, and tiny, toothless grins remind me that she is both beautiful and MINE. All I see is perfection. She will probably pick herself apart when she's older, and I probably won't see what she's talking about. So how much more so is it important that I teach her how beautiful she is by showing her how beautiful I am? Not that stare-in-the-mirror, look-down-on-others beautiful. Not that ignore-the-imperfections beautiful. But the kind of beautiful that understands 1) we are all made by God, 2) God doesn't make mistakes, 3) therefore we have no imperfections, so 4) we are beautiful and always have been.

Inner beauty will always be more important than outer beauty, but if you've ever been a person, you know that the way we look DOES matter to us. The way we see ourselves affects the way we feel about ourselves and treat others. I want my daughter to know she is beautiful. I want her to teach others that they are beautiful too. She's already off to a great start by teaching me.


Happy 2 months old, Caroline Rose!

#ispelledsquealswrong

Growin Like a Weed

My baby girl is 8 weeks old today!

I cannot believe how much she has changed since she was born. She is absolutely perfect. Here's a little update on everything she's doing:

Eating: Still holding strong to the mommy milk. Hoping to avoid formula as long as we can--it gives me anxiety when I see how much it costs. She eats every 2-3 hours. We try to give her a bottle at least once a day so she gets used to taking a bottle. She's very confused by the bottle but doesn't hate it!

Sleeping: LIKE A BOSS. She has slept through the night for 5 nights in a row!! I'm talking 8-10 hours straight. The trade-off is that she doesn't sleep much during the day. Daytime naps last anywhere from 15-45 minutes, which makes it hard to get much done. But I can't complain!

Weight: 10 lbs, 4 oz., which puts her in the 57th percentile. She's gained 2 1/2 lbs since birth.

Development: She tracks everything, including Chris and me when we walk around the room. Starting to reach for objects. Smiles and laughs all the time! She's starting to "talk" (coo) to us, but saves her best conversations for the bears that hang above her swing. She wants to suck her thumb so bad but can't figure out how to get her hand to her mouth without smacking herself in the face.

A few of her cutest pictures:

She has the prettiest smile.

Chris and I are doing well. We were in survival mode there for a while, but we're starting to get it together now. I take a shower most days now. I have taken Lil C to the grocery store, breastfeeding classes, and Alabama alone. (Major accomplishment.) I have even typed this whole blog post with one hand!

Chris has a bit more on his plate. He will take the NPTE tomorrow. This is the licensure exam for physical therapists. He's basically been MIA for the past month while he studies. Major prayers that everything goes well tomorrow! He also finishes his last clinical this week and GRADUATES next week! This has been such a long road, and I cannot be prouder of him. I don't want our new addition to overshadow what a huge deal this is. He gets his own blog post later.

Finally, we could use some prayer in these next few months. Not only do we have a new baby to adjust to, but Chris will begin job hunting. We have no idea where we will be living one month from now. We could very well be staying in the Nashville area, but we could also be moving anywhere in a 200 mile radius. We pray that we will be obedient to wherever God takes us. He already knows where we're meant to raise our family. I just hope the process of getting there is smooth.

Okay, as much as I love Caroline's beautiful smiling face, her blooper pictures are just as sweet (and hilarious). For every great picture of her, there are 7 more that I took while trying to get her to smile. So I'll leave you with these gems.

Learning to Be a Mama

We are 3 weeks in and all smiles over here at the O'Brien household! It's been a whirlwind, but we are loving every second. Chris and I are learning how to be parents, and Caroline is learning how to be a human. She is very good at it, so far. She's such a great baby! She eats very well--already up a pound from her birth weight! She sleeps in 4-5 hour stretches at night (which feels like an eternity in new mamahood land), and she's starting to stay awake more during the day.

I've learned quite a bit in these last 3 weeks.

• First things first: my nose did return to its normal size. I know you guys were worried, as was I. Pregnancy rhinitis is no joke.

• Breastfeeding is a beautiful thing, but NOT EASY. I have no judgment for mamas who are not breastfeeding, but I am so thrilled that I've been able to exclusively breastfeed up to this point. Top three reasons I love it: a) it's FREE, b) I hate washing bottles, and c) nutritional value. A lot of people get wrapped around the axle about the nutritional value of breastfeeding (which is a good thing), but I think we need to celebrate how FREE and dish-less it is. Frugal mama, for the win. I hear once you get past the pain, it's actually enjoyable too. We're halfway there, literally.

• A lot of strange things happen to your body after you have a baby. People kind of talk about them, but no one can prepare you for the extent to which they occur. I'd be happy to discuss them with you if you are interested, but I'll be a lady on the blog. I'll just say....whoa.

• Not wearing makeup for 3 weeks saves you a lot of money on makeup and does wonders for your skin!

• When I was pregnant, everyone said, "Sleep while you can!" Well, I have to say I get MORE SLEEP now than I did when I was pregnant. Pregnant sleep= 8 pillows and still uncomfortable, waking every 2 hours to pee, sleep apnea due to the rhinitis, and the room feeling like 115 degrees despite the arctic blast. Now, even though I wake up every few hours to feed Caroline and rock her back to sleep, at least the sleep I get is sound and good. So for all you pregnant ladies who are barely sleeping, please know that it can get better. (Or possibly, my baby is an angel.)

Other things to note:

Chris is the best husband and daddy I could have ever hoped for. He stayed home with us the first 2 weeks. When I could barely get out of bed or walk, Chris got up every 2 hours to change diapers and bring Caroline to me. Then he waited the hour it took her to eat and put her back in bed. He leaves work to come to her pediatrician appointments. He goes grocery shopping at 7 am on Saturday to get everything on my list. And most importantly, he loves on this little baby every second he gets.

My mom has also been a life saver. When Chris went back to work, she came over almost every day to help me. Sometimes she made dinner. Sometimes she held the baby while I took a shower. Sometimes she just kept me company on Chris' 12 hour days. Caroline and I are so grateful for Mama KK!

We have also had so many great friends bring us meals over the past few weeks. Y'all don't know how wonderful it is to not worry about dinner. On days when Caroline has needed 24/7 cuddles, I haven't showered or eaten, and Chris is at work, the meals have been a lifesaver. Thank you.

A few of my favorite pictures...because I think my kid is pretty cute:

And Chris' favorite picture: Caroline's first selfie!

A final note:
The mommy wars are real. And it makes me sad. I think all the mamas and babies out there would be much happier if everyone stepped off their soapbox about diapering/feeding/sleeping/toe nail polish and encouraged each other to do what's best for their baby. I was a formula baby who slept on my stomach from day 1. Not only am I still alive, but I have a master's degree from a top-notch university. I'M FINE. My baby is breastfed and sleeps swaddled on her back... because that's what she likes. If she didn't like that, we would do something different. Please mamas, stop making other mamas who make different choices than you feel bad. Sad mamas make sad babies. Nothing else.

Unless you choose not to vaccinate. Your baby cannot play with my baby. Because formula won't kill my baby, but the measles will.

Meet Caroline!

Warning: birth story ahead. If you do not like reading birth stories, enjoy the pictures!

She's here!!!

Our beautiful little girl was born on March 4, 2014 at 4:53 pm. She came in at a whopping 7 lb, 14 oz. and was 20.5 inches long. Or perfect, you might say.

Because of my lingering pre-eclampsia (and increasing level of uncomfortable), we went in to be induced very early in the morning on March 4.

This is the last belly picture before we left for the hospital. I remember thinking, "Oh that's a good picture!" Ha. I'm liking the poster child for pre-eclampsia. Or 4:30 am.

When we got to the hospital, they checked me in....and then forgot about me. There were 9 other women in active labor. With only 10 beds on the L&D floor, my induction could wait. But no worries! Caroline took charge from there. While we waited for someone to come start the pitocin, I began having regular contractions every 2-4 minutes! My doctor arrived at 8:30 am, decided I was already in labor, and broke my water. No pitocin needed! I was excited because I've heard that pitocin can do weird things to you, so major fist bump, Caroline. She knew why we were there.

Okay, so I found out that you lose 15 lbs when your water breaks. Sweet--only 15 to go and baby is still in there! But the pain really kicked up a notch. As in, 3 cm to 7 cm in a very short span of time. Epidural lady came to save the day. She did her thing and decided that the "test dose" would be good enough for me since I'm a small lady. And it was for a while. There was a small hiccup when my blood pressure dropped to 60/30. It's bad when that happens. You lose consciousness. People come running. And after that, epidural lady is scared to give you more of the magic. At some point between 7cm-9cm, the epidural wore off on my right side (very weird sensation). Epidural lady gave me a tiny bit more. It helped for a while, but by 10 cm, it was gone AND baby had flipped the wrong way. Not breech, but "sunny side up" as they call it. Babies need to be looking at the ground to come out right. If they're looking at the sky, you get a ton of back pain (back labor) and a high chance of needing a c-section. No bueno. I had a fabulous nurse who helped me do some creative dancing/yoga (really weird things happen in L&D), and Caroline flipped the right way! Epidural lady came back and gave me just enough magic to get through pushing. Whew.

After about an hour of pushing, Caroline Rose was here!

Babies are smooooshed when they first come out.

Our lives have been a whirlwind since then. Chris' family stayed for several days and helped tremendously with cleaning, cooking, and grocery shopping. So many friends have stopped by to visit little C, and it means so much to us!

Caroline is a GREAT baby. She cries when she's hungry or wet, but who can blame her? She sleeps well most nights. Some nights, we party. But I just love being with her, so it's okay. She takes adorable pictures.

All these pictures courtesy of Cogknitive Images.

We haven't yet decided if she's a ginger or not. But she definitely has her daddy's skin tone....my ghost hand on the left, Chris' hand on the right. She won the genetic lottery there.

We have decided that I was huge and much more swollen than I thought. Pre-pregnancy pants 5 days postpartem!

This baby has captured our hearts. I have so many pictures I could share, but I know that we are probably much more enthralled with them than you are. Chris is a great daddy. He brings her to me in the middle of the night. He changes more diapers than I do. He physical therapizes her to make her strong. He's helped me do things I never thought I would have to ask another human being to do. Caroline and I are lucky girls.

Happy 9 days old, Caroline!