2 am

This is my beautiful, sleeping machine.

She has been a champion sleeper since the day she was born. (Thanks, Chris.) She started sleeping through the night at 6 weeks old. She takes 4 naps a day. Often, I just lay her in bed and she falls asleep without crying. But she is still a baby and has off nights--won't fall asleep, wakes up every few hours, up before the sun. It only happens once in a blue moon.

Last night was one of those nights.

It started with bath time, I think. Or the squash she had earlier. Or the skipped evening nap. Who knows. This is where the mind games start for me, though. Trying to figure out where we went wrong.

Everything was going great. She ate her bedtime meal, fell asleep, and I gently placed her in her crib. Party time! I head back to my room to show Chris this ridiculous shirt I found in my closet. We laugh and discuss whether I should keep it or not, when WAAHHH. Uh oh. Baby is awake. No biggie, this happens. I pick her up and rock her back to sleep in less than 5 minutes. As I gently lay her back in bed, she startles again and this time, she looks up at me with her big, brown eyes looking so sad. I still didn't think much of it and decided to let Chris rock her to sleep this time. It usually takes about 5 minutes and will give me a chance to finish getting ready for bed.

I was wrong.

15 minutes later, she is screaming while Chris frantically tries to calm her. Since Chris has work in the morning, I offer to take her and let him sleep. Caroline and I settle into our nighttime rocking chair routine of singing UT's alma mater and patting her bum. But it isn't working. I'm a cool, collected mom so I don't panic. We try different positions, different songs, different blankets. It isn't working. 30 minutes goes by and she is still screaming. I check her diaper, take her temperature, try feeding her again. I'm now boarding the train to Crazy Town.

So I start praying. "Please, Jesus. Let her sleep." Over and over. There's something about a baby's cry in the middle of the night when you're exhausted and your back hurts because you have to sit at a funny angle in the rocking chair so your little short legs can reach the ground that sends you right over the border into Crazy Town.

I seriously start contemplating calling the pediatrician to ask the following questions:
"Is my baby dry drowning?"
"Can squash send your baby into anaphylactic shock with no symptoms?"
"My baby has burped really big a few times and has a booger. Should we go to the emergency room?"

Hello, Crazy Town! I'm your new mayor.

I was very fortunate that I did not experience postpartum depression after Caroline's birth. However, if postpartum anxiety is a thing, I definitely had it. It only lasted a few weeks, but it was scary. I constantly thought Caroline was dying. She made a lot of funny, snoring noises after she was born, and I would sit by her cradle all night to make sure she was breathing. I later learned this was normal, but you wouldn't have been able to convince me of this in the moment. The only thing that helped me sleep at all those first few weeks was Jesus. I don't say that as a joke or to Jesus juke anyone. The ONLY way I could let Caroline out of my sight and go to sleep was to pray that Jesus would sleep in the cradle with her and breathe every breath with her. Then I had to believe that He actually did it. And He did.

It was total surrender that I cannot be responsible for this child on my own. I cannot meet any of her needs on my own. Only Jesus can keep her alive. The memories of how Jesus saved my sanity in those early days came flooding back right as the 2 am breakdown loomed.

Just being there for Caroline and letting Jesus do the rest takes a lot of pressure off.

After 4 hours of on-and-off crying, Caroline finally started to settle. I still don't know why she was upset last night, but I held her until she felt better. Those big, brown eyes eventually closed and we got a little sleep. She uncharacteristically woke again at 5:15, but after a quick meal, she easily fell back asleep. Granted- we were sleeping together in the guest bedroom at this point, but anything to make her feel better.

I'm sure this won't be the last time I'm up all night with a baby. We may do it all over tonight. 2 am is a lonely time in a dark room. But it's comforting to know I'm not alone.

And only a little crazy. Right? Other moms have visited Crazy Town at 2 am, too? Just me then? Okay.

Unemployed

First things first. How adorable is this side-by-side? My twins.

Today is my first real day of being a stay-at-home mom. I've been home with Caroline since she was born in March, but I was on maternity leave and then just a regular teacher on summer break. But today, my friends and coworkers went back to school, and I did not. I still woke up at 6:00 am, but instead of getting ready for work, I fed my baby, got peed on, played pat-a-cake, and snuggled. The mom life.

Today, Miss Baby turns 5 months old! Life has changed so much in 5 months. Chris and I have switched roles in our family. Chris is now the sole provider, while I take care of the home. Caroline is settling into our family as if she's always been here. She's so happy. All. The. Time. Seriously, she's never sad. When she's tired, she squeals to keep herself awake. At nap time, we just lay her in her crib, and she goes to sleep. When she wakes up, she laughs and coos until we come get her. I don't know how I got so lucky, but I thank God every day for this precious gift. She's a glimpse of Heaven.

We do have a small prayer request for her. She's still a little tiny. Her doctor diagnosed her with reflux and put her on a special medicine (made by an apothecary...ye olde Prilosec). He also encouraged us to start solid foods to help get calories in her. She's gaining some weight, but not nearly as fast as she should. When we met her new pediatrician in Mt. Juliet, he also discovered she still has a slight heart murmur. She had this when she was born, but the doctor on call in the hospital said it had disappeared when we were discharged at 2 days old. Her current doctor assured me that a very faint heart murmur is nothing to worry too much about, but since she also presents with slow weight gain, it could signify a potential problem. Of course, it's also possible that she's perfectly fine and has just inherited my tiny 5'0" genes. But we still pray that she will continue to grow big and strong and stay her happy, healthy self.

Chris and I are adjusting to life in Mt. Juliet. We absolutely love it. It has everything we need with no traffic! We are getting involved with a local church. We are beginning to meet people and can't wait to build new relationships. I think moving has been more of an adjustment for me than for Chris. Staying home with Caroline is a dream come true, but it can be very lonely when you're in a new town and limited by a small baby. If anyone has any ideas for mommy-baby activities, send them my way!

Some more baby blooper pictures, because they are quickly becoming my favorites:

And a classic. Mid-sneeze: