Sunburn 101 with a Red Head

It happens to all of us. Even Kim Kardashian.

Yesterday, my mom and I had a pool date. Two redheads, 4 hours. In my defense, I really did wear sunscreen. My face is fine, probably because I never put my face in the water, so the sunscreen stayed put. But apparently, slouching over a pool float for hours washes away the sunscreen you had applied.

So here's the situation:

• Legs, shoulders, back, arms, and my left hand are a little a lot burnt. (Is burnt really a word? It wasn't underlined in red. Anyway...)
• I thought my stomach was okay because it wasn't red at all at first. Around 9 pm last night, I discovered that my stomach did not survive Sunburn 2011.
• This morning, the sunburn is gone on my right arm, both knees, and chest. Everything else is still pretty cooked. (Btdubs, WHY does it disappear on only certain parts of my body?)
• My thighs and left hand are actually a little swollen. That can't be good.

To the best of my knowledge, here is the best way to care for a sunburn. You can be assured this is legitimate advice from someone who has been moonburned before.

• Aloe vera is weak sauce. This is only for people with melanin who need it on the first day and then have a beautiful tan. For serious sunburns (or regular sunburns for redheads), skip the aloe and go straight to the top shelf liquor.
• 1000 mg of ibuprofen. Don't do anything until you have numbed yourself.
• Drink lots of water. The headache will only get worse in your dehydrated state if you don't drink water.
• Vinegar. Much like how you forget the pain of childbirth when you see your baby, you forget the awful stench when you feel the relief. Pour on liberally and let drip dry. If you pat yourself with a towel, prepare for worse pain than when you started. I warned you.
• If you don't have vinegar on hand (and who wants to go to the store in your sunburned state?), you can use mustard. It has enough vinegar in it that it will work. I do not, however, recommend using it on a couch you share with someone...
• Preparation H. STOP LAUGHING and listen for a second. The uber-gross medicine was designed for swelling, burning, and pain. Even though it is intended for a different part of your body, it will have the same effect on sunburned skin. So get over the stigma and give it a try. (It also helps with under-eye bags, just FYI.)
• Lightweight, summer-wear, UnderArmor shirts. My husband and I both have these shirts, but I like his the best because it's looser-fitting. They are the softest shirts and super breathable. It won't rub your skin and further irritate the sunburn.
• Maybe don't go in public for a while. Sunburn + embarrassment from the sunburn = crazy shades of red.

Okay, that's the advice. Next time you enjoy a day at the pool so much that you forget to re-apply sunscreen after going in the water, follow these steps and your life will be a little easier for the next few days.

Now I'm going to lay in the floor and cry for a while.