Don’t Drive Dumb

By Chris O’Brien

That’s right, folks. I’ll be your guest blogger tonight- mostly because my wife’s commute involves driving in the opposite direction while pointing and laughing at the schmucks sitting in bumper to bumper traffic on the opposite side of the median. I, on the other hand, have the joy of experiencing the daily aftermath of drivers who decide to explore the literal implications of the song “Jesus Take the Wheel”. 

The thing about this town that continues to shock me is how dangerous the drivers are. I don’t mean aggressive- I grew up in the DC metro area, where your commute is often more like a dogfight between WWI flying aces. No, in Nashville most of the drivers are very safe and courteous. A lethal minority of the population, however, chooses to leave their higher mental function behind when they slide behind the wheel of a 2,500 lb. killing machine. This post is designed to recognize the top three of Nashville’s finest geniuses, all experienced (by yours truly) on highways and byways right here in town. 

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the “Don’t Drive Dumb” Awards!!!

Honorable Mentions: 10% of drivers here have no idea what a blind spot is, or how how to check it for that matter. They prefer to procede with a Russian roulette approach to merging. An additional 50% of this town is unfamiliar with how to utilize headlights during rainy conditions.  

3rd Place: To be fair, this driver had no control of this what happened while it was happening. As he merged onto the interstate towing a 2-axle trailer, one of the wheels rolled off as he veered right, and it kept on rolling. And rolling. And rolling- in a straight line- easily crossing the 100 yard median and rolling perpendicularly through 5 lanes of interstate traffic. I was able to watch (as I exited to go in the opposite direction, thankfully) as dozens of cars and trucks slammed on their brakes to avoid what would have been a comical gag in any theater. I can only assume it ended in a seven car pile-up. Really, all this guy had to do was check and see if there was a SINGLE lug nut left on his tire before leaving. 

2nd Place: On two separate instances, I have spent an hour on my 12 minute commute home because a pair of geniuses on 24 between 65 and 40 got into a very minor fender bender and then decided to take up HALF OF THE FAST LANE waiting for the police to arrive and inspect the “crash”. I can only imagine the conversation once he arrived went something like this: 

Police Officer: “Congratulations! Half an ounce of goof-off will buff those scratches right out! Now, unless either of you wants to call your lawyers to pursue malingering claims of neck injury, GET OUT OF THE ROAD. You’re blocking traffic from here to Louisville.”

(That's right. I picked a picture of a donkey blocking traffic. Kids, ask your parents to explain)

 

And the Grand Prize goes to:

(Keep in mind, this is a totally true story, which happened this afternoon and prompted the writing of this post...)

As I drove south on 65 through downtown, I saw in the distance a driver, stopped just past an exit ramp, with his reverse lights on. This is a common, albeit unsafe decision: when one retraces their steps after missing an exit to avoid the hassle of getting off one exit down and backtracking. As I pulled even with them, their lack of experience in the gear of reverse became painfully obvious. They started to back into the right lane, and at the point at which they slipped out of my rear-view, they were entirely into that lane. In Reverse. AT SIX O’CLOCK ON A WEEKDAY. 

...I don’t want to live on this planet anymore...

And there you have it! The winners of the first semi-annual Don’t Drive Dumb Awards!

Thank you all for participating. I'm sure the exponentially more entertaining and lovely Laura will be returning with a new post soon. And remember: DONT DRIVE DUMB!!!!!